For the Hell of It Friday: What the Hell Am I Doing?

You know the song “I’ll Be Home for Christmas?” It isn’t actually happy. It ends with “if only in my dreams…” 

I am currently in Las Vegas and the furthest thing from home for the holidays that I could possibly imagine. Inexplicably, it all just hit me. Suddenly I’m sad. 

Ridiculous. Going home wasn’t an option. What is waiting for me in Tucson will probably be the best Christmas I’ve had in years. It’s a tiny regret of not leaving yesterday and a long ride through the night to get there. 

Should I have stayed in Charleston? That seems like a hopeless thought to bother exploring. Hotel KLA is still under reconstruction from the flooding and KLA is in an actual hotel for the holidays. My first year of Nachos, Tacos, and Tequila will have to wait another year.  Maybe all of this was too much leaping at once. No, I take that back. 

Christmas would have been hard no matter where I ended up. There’s too much involved. It isn’t home I’m missing, it’s the idea of what home used to be that maybe never was that bothers me. 

Maybe this realization that home isn’t happy is the grown up version of not believing in Santa anymore. Yes Virgina, you’re family is crazy. 

For now, I’m going to suck it up. Pack it up. Dry these silly tears and hit the casino. If I’m going to try my luck, I’d rather it be with my money than my heart this year. I hear there’s Christmas cookies for me to decorate in Tucson. 

5 thoughts on “For the Hell of It Friday: What the Hell Am I Doing?

  1. Not people suffer depression during the holidays than you can imagine. If we could only shed the skin of artificial expectations…..
    I would love to hear what you learned and what you felt grateful for in 2016. I know there are nuggets out there….. ❤

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    • I guessed that what you meant! 2016 has been horrid, I think I just might pass on the whole year whether there have been nuggets or not. I’ll have to reexamine in 2017 when I feel like I have a fresh beginning.

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  2. There is a quote that says, “Some people create their own storms, then get upset when it rains.” You should consider how many issues you have that are self created. You will never find what you are looking for by continually running from your problems. You need to look inside and get in touch with your inner self. Reflect on why relationships have gone sideways. Working hard always gets you what you want. This is how people afford to go to Disney Land, buy cars, houses, etc. (Referencing one of your first blogs, where you asked how people afford to go to Disney Land.) I don’t know your family, but I would love to hear their version of it. I am sure your family would be willing to accept you, if you were honest with your self. People only get what they put out in the universe. I hope you take a good hard look at what you put out in the universe that others see. You can write a pretty story, and still be a total mess. Words written don’t make it true. Good luck to you.

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