Where I’ve Been Wednesday: Miami, More Golden Girls Than Will Smith

It’s been a whirlwind with the holiday then impending storm doom without power or wifi, but alas! It’s time! Florida! Well until the hotel room revolts again and shuts me out.

Brace yourself, we’ve got an entire week to recap of Miami, The Keys, Disney World, and Universal Studios. I know. It was a lot. In my head you’re all eating this up, every little syllable. Just in case that’s not how it is going down, I’ve broken the cities up.  Saxapahaw was just too long of a post to cover it all (even though y’all told me it wasn’t). It felt like I only have space for the specs and not my personality. No one wants to miss out on the personality! Thus we are breaking up the cities. Feel free to hop, skip, and jump among the posts. Not that any of you ever would. You’re probably right this minute looking for your cyber spoon to gobble this all up!

Here goes!

Sunday night I rolled into Miami hours later than anticipated. The whole “go with the flow” was still new to me and it drove me bonkers. Yes, I did stop a couple of times most specifically by the lure of a 14ft alligator, but not enough times for that kind of delay. My little Muffette  Miami hostess, Trist’s Travels also hit insane traffic on her way back from Disney’s Epcot Food & Wine Festival putting them back later than expected as well. A large part of my time was from the succubus that is the Florida Turnpike.

The entrance to the Florida Turnpike at Okeechobee Boulevard Tuesday, June 30, 2015. (Lannis Waters / The Palm Beach Post)

All this time later, I’m still shaking my fist over it. If we had a Muffy on the Move list going, it would be joining Sarah the Bitch with an H on it.

Since it was dark and much later than anticipated, we stayed in. Totes fine by me. One of my friends told me I needed to experience their Miami. Sorry to disappoint all y’all, I get it if this is where y’all bounce, but heels in the club until sun up just sounds expensive and exhausting. 20 something me would have been all over it. Now me, I’m all over some early mornings only  I prefer to wake up for pancakes not still be awake for pancakes. Hollar for grandmas! Staying in was ideal.

Y’all, it was like being in a Miami version of Melrose Place (just a little bit more grandma for ya there with an outdated reference). It is almost comical how much I felt like I was on Miami Vice. One of the neighboring apartments even had a little Jesus outside on the stucco windowsill among all their tropical potted plants.

Did I get to ride around on a boat smoking cigars with the Cubans? No. Why not even though we had all been excited and planning an excursion long before my arrival? Because my main pal now has a girlfriend. Duh. Obvi.

Let’s just take a little detour here on that.

That has to be hands down the most frustrating part of this adventure. Best buddies who I’ve known for FOREVER and have never had anything outside of platonic with have been bailing out left and right BECAUSE THEY NOW HAVE GIRLFRIENDS. For real, I can count 5 guy friends wrecking the schedule up in 5 different cities. you_doodle_2016-11-03t23_09_39zIt’s something I just don’t understand. You’ve got a girlfriend now? Cool, I bet she’s awesome. Can’t wait to meet her. NOPE. Somehow this means we don’t hangout or see each other while I’m travelling all over the country. You know because I am in XYZ Town all the time…

Ladies, if this is your doing then shame on you. Lamtastic. What kind of relationship are you in that you’re threatened by someone you don’t even know or are trying to not even meet? It is true what you have heard, I am amazingly awesome. AN AMAZINGLY AWESOME FRIEND.

Guys, just because I have boobs does not mean that once the lights are out I am going to come crawl in your bed. When the hell did my friendship become such an issue?! End rant on that one. It had been building up for a bit.

Monday morning we left Miami Melrose Place for me to finally meet Nance! That would be Trist’s Travels mom. It was a moment I had been anticipating! We kept missing each other every time she was in Charleston. She’s phenom. Nance offered to take my laundry while we ran off to The Keys and packed us a bottle of champagne for the trip.

Champagned up, we headed off to pick up our hostess. So the palm trees are tall. Like really, really tall. I kept envisioning scenes from Troop Beverly Hills (I know, just like Zac Morris didn’t have a phone in a bag, wrong town. They’re still big though).

Real palm trees are crazy tall in comparison to palmettos. I don’t know how I never saw it before. Being an uber goober, I’m all outside in the front yard taking pictures. You know, because no one has ever seen a palm tree before.

Once I finally compose myself and head down the driveway to the door, I lose it again. All the cars have Bama stickers! Roll Tide, y’all! We’re welcomed in and I immediately go polite Southern guest. Thank you so much for having me. Your home is lovely! Who is the Alabama fan? I get it, my Southern can be a little overwhelming. Wait. I stand corrected, she just doesn’t speak much English. In middle school my bestie’s mom didn’t speak English (really she did she just didn’t, long story. They also had peacocks that froze on the roof once). No big deal. Just silently cursing myself for never learning Spanish. This French is doing me heaps of good!

Yeah, that wasn’t our hostess. That would be our hostess’ parent’s very well dressed housekeeper. For those of you who haven’t had the joyous experience of meeting me in person, it can be…should we say overwhelming? Add in a language barrier to meeting me for the first time with an overly enthusiastic “Roll Tide!” and you’ve got a super awkward silence. I just want to make all the friends with all the peoples.

The second round of introductions went well after my dress rehearsal. We were ready to hit the road! Key West bound! And that, kids and kiddos, is exactly where we will pick up in the next post!




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