It has just been a rough couple of days. Foolishly, I thought heading out on this journey would eliminate bad days from my life. Not quite so much.
I know, you all want to hear about the yurt. I’m still awaiting an email from the chef at one of the restaurants before I wrap that up. He had asked if he could tell me more about the menu, I’ll give it until tomorrow to see what he has to say. Really though, Saxapahaw is a hidden gem that I can’t wait to tell you about.
For today, you’ll just have to settle for me; which has not quite been enough for everyone lately. I just want to scream “I’m trying!” Though I do feel like I need to clear up one thing: I’m going to be okay. I know I’ll be okay. Of all of my flaws, lack of confidence in my capabilities has never been one of them. Always the optimist, I can’t really imagine everything not turning out alright. I mean, okay, things got bad but what other option is there than for them to turn out alright in the end? (This is probably where I get struck by lightening or some other fluke to prove me wrong.) Someone once told me that they should change it from Murphy’s Law to Muffy’s Law. There’s been a few more bumps in the road than I would have preferred in my life, but I always turn out alright.
Over the weekend life was gloriously average. Well, except for the fact that it’s probably not average to have pretty much everything you own in your car. Remember those 6 Rubbermaid bins of belongings I kept and how everyone said how little that is to keep? Turns out, I’m an excellent packer and you can get a lot of stuff in there.
With the help of the amazing Savanah, I emptied my car, sorted, stored, and packed. Two giant trash bags full of garbage, one trash bag full of donations, and a Rubbermaid bin later the car is organized and loaded. We even cleaned it! There’s a bag for each of my big climate destinations like Miami and Chicago, a bag of things I’ll need between here and Ohio that will stay with the car, and a “final destination” bag that has all the things I’ll need and will take on the plane. It took a whole day.
It’s crazy how regular stuff makes things seem balanced and I clearly am better off unbalanced. As much as I enjoyed it all, regular just throws everything else off. Today when the plan fell out again and I found myself wondering what the hell am I going to do? I decided to F it. It will work out. Okay so maybe some small panic, I regrouped. Big sorry to those that got caught in the panic tornado. Michael has to be so proud of me! I decided to buy a tent!
Hello, I love a theme! Do I camp? No. Have I ever in my life had an interest in this before now? No. What makes it appealing now? 1. It’s a free option. 2. It eliminates me needing to rely on anyone else.
It isn’t just that instead of having beef stew in York I ended up in an Econolodge in Greenville (what happened? Well, it’s not something I feel comfortable telling the world now, but it wasn’t good and I sat in the middle of nowhere crying for a good long while), there’s been a lot of baggage following me around.
I constantly am not what people want me to be anymore. Did I change? Did I grow out of being pleasant? I don’t think so. I think somewhere along the way I chose me. When I started making my happiness a priority, it got in the way of all the people who have used me or have taken advantage of me for so long. It’s still a work in progress, it’s hard realizing all the things you’ve ever known weren’t genuine. Eventually, I’ll be strong enough on my own that I can stand up for myself without the emotional breakdown on backroads where old men in trucks drive down from their homes to see why I’ve been sitting out therefor so long only to become completely uncomfortable that I’m the one breaking down and not my car.
And it’s coming from everywhere. It seems to have gotten around how my wellbeing after Matthew and then Mizzou was pushed aside by people who were supposed to love me; making it the final straw for me. It was the final push to go.
My family is haunting me. How can I be so selfish? So unforgiving as to not let them in my life? Isn’t my sister the fucking saint for attempting to guilt me into speaking to my family. You know my sister, my only sister? The one who forbid my family from telling me about her wedding, the same one who was appalled that I RSVP’d “no” to the same wedding invite (I did end up going, huge mistake). The one who just last Christmas said in front of the entire family “I don’t know why you came, no one wanted you here.” Only to have the family support it in their silence. Remember that? The whole crying at the Chinese takeout place vowing to never return again?
Why won’t I talk to my aunt? You know, the one who attempted to pull me from a moving car yelling I was trying to run over my mother? Which would not even be physically possible, by the way. I don’t know people?! Why don’t I?!
Would it mean so much to my mother if I reached out to her? Tell me, Saint Mary Jane, would it mean as much to her as it did when she wrote me a fucking Dear John letter and mailed it to me through the US Postal Service saying she couldn’t be my mother anymore? I’m in my 30’s it isn’t like I needed her to change my diapers. How much work is it to be a mother to a grown adult? Clearly, less work than it is to get around me blocking all your phone numbers and emails. Don’t give me a forgiveness lecture, if I had been hit with a fist instead of words that hurt just as much over and over again, would you be so quick to encourage me to forgive?
So camping it is! Won’t this be fun! Walmart has an Ozark tent for $17!
It’s a two person children’s tent. Based on a review, it can fit an adult diagonally. I think I’m going to buy it then set it up at Jami’s to see if an air mattress will fit. I want to spend no more than $50 on camping gear. Why? Because I don’t know that it will be worth it to check luggage just to bring it with me out west. Yes, I know I can get cheaper, better quality stuff on Amazon but where would I ship it?
Let’s do a checklist for what I think I need:
- Sleeping bag
- Air mattress & pump
That works, right? Is there really anything else I need beyond that? I don’t want to go off into like serious wilderness.
Last night, I attempted a restful treat yo’self evening at the Econolodge. Not quite up to par on restful. It’s the last hotel treat until Orlando. For my anonymous sponsors, Orlando is for you. Thank you. No more spending. Except after I purchase a replacement power cord to my chromebook THEN no more spending. There’s some great posts lined up like how I manage to find the deals I do! Just need the power cord to proceed, they don’t hop from the notebook to the blog on their own. Talk about a crimp in the system!
Travel safe and be well kiddos! I’ve got a sneaky feeling this new take charge attitude is going to make for new adventures and the further away I get the lighter my heart is going to feel. Plan for a *clap* great day!