Time to Live Up to the Name

During the evacuation, I went with my shelter hosts to service at New Spring. I won’t go full into the sermon. It was the fourth in the series called “I am the Resurection” about the resurection of Lazarus. The main point is that he preached that this was an example of people being angry with God. I really think I missed the mark for many reasons. Mostly, I’ve never been mad at God. 

Bad things happen and I’ve often been a glutton for punishment, but I’ve never felt that I was being punished by my faith. 

The Story of Mizzou

I’m no stranger to tragedy. I’ve always said I’ve just been lucky enough that I was loved so much, it didn’t matter so much. 
I stood in the snow watching everything I own burn barely comprehending them telling me a few more minutes and I wouldn’t have made it out. 

I’ve narrowly avoided despite my name, probably due to my less than narrow hips,  a life on the pole or in porn from all my daddy issues. 

I am desperately asked to live tweet any family interactions. Who can forget the exile of my sister’s wedding or the last Christmas I ever spend in Alabama? 

The heartbreak I am most known for is Mouffie (moo-fee). 

After the house burned down, she was given to me to take away all the loss, the sadness, to fill the emptiness in me. She became my everything. Not my dog, not just my companion; my everything. She became the glue that held me together. As terrifying as that was for everyone who knew me, poodles live well into their 20’s. My glue would hold. 

Mouf was killed by a dog daycare. There were no apologies. There was anger, attacks, and lawsuits against me. Word traveled around that it didn’t matter I had no money to take, they wanted to “break me.” Most of those days were a haze. I could barely function between my heartache, the disbelief, and wondering where one gets a $45k retainer for the war I had started over the murder of my 7 year old poodle. Through it, I remember my closest friend while trading off shifts (the early days no one left me alone for long, they were sitting Muffy), tell another she just wish they could see me. There was nothing left to break. 

The same night Mouf was taken from me a poodle-chihuahua mix was brought into a local rescue. They had heard the rumors of my story already and didn’t know if they should reach out to me. When they saw my story on the news, they wrote to me. They knew my heart was hurting, would I maybe have room in my heart for a little pup to heal me? If not, they understood. They just wanted to help. 

I met them only to be polite. Then the tiniest thing came out from hiding to curl up in my lap to sleep. It was the first time she had come out in days. She chose me and she saved me. 

Mizzou became my constant companion. While this city I loved so much started to fail me, she was there. 

When the vacation mat was pulled away from me and the water rose…

When my family turned away…

When I had to fight to keep the house…

When I asked the Junior League for help to be told to come back when I had more money…

When my mother used the U.S Postal Service then later my bank account to tell me she wasn’t going to be my mother anymore…

When my heart was wrong…

Mizzou was my constant companion. It was Mizzou I asked “where should we start new?” Of course, I failed her. 

I bought that damn RV, that I grew to despise, and moved us to that trailer park where no matter how hard I tried, nothing good bloomed. I should have never come back from the evacuation. But, I did. I brought Mizzou back to die. 

I heard her cry in the dark without realizing it was her last cry out for me to save her. Never in my wildest dream would I have ever thought she could wander that far. She heard me calling for her and was coming back to me when she was hit. Whoever hit her didn’t even stop. Who knows how many cars had passed by the time I got there. Someone held me back as a fire truck crushed her once more in front of me. 

That’s the image I see over and over again asleep or awake, eyes open or closed. 

I want to vow to never return to that trailer park where she’s buried under a tree. I’m trying to find a way to make that happen. 

It’s time to live up to my name, time for Muffy to be on the move in hopes that it becomes Muffy on the Mend. 

As for Charleston, I don’t know. The city I loved has brought more heartache then I can withstand. 

The RV is for sale, immediately. 

Aretha will join Tabby as an indoor cat in Greenville. They can bond over the 50″ TV that serves as her dowry. It isn’t that I don’t want her, she was Mizzou’s cat. That just hurts too much. 

I’m heading north to Charlotte>Raleigh>DC>somewhere>Rochester>Cleveland and back to Chalreston for my 6th Johnson-Alexander Thanksgiving. They have already told me they have made arrangements with the expectation that I’ll bring a pup with me. 

Somewhere along the way, there has to be a rescue or a shelter that has a pup for me. I’ll find a little female pup with enough poodle in her to not shed that needs me as much as I need her. 

After Thanksgiving, hopefully I’ll be a “we” and we’ll head South to see the mermaids. I’ll be back for Feliz Navidad at the Alexanders. There will be no #MerryMexico without Mizzou. If my gypsy soul hasn’t healed by New Year’s we will follow the sun to the west, see if the saltwater of a different ocean heals me. 

10 thoughts on “Time to Live Up to the Name

  1. Animals move us in ways that humans cannot. I truly believe that. They are unconditional. I’m thankful that you’ve had that twice now and I am so sorry that both were taken away. Our hearts are mendable, but these things leave a mark on our souls, for better or worse. I know you will rise above this in time, but I also know you need time to grieve and mourn. Take that time and go where you need to go. I fully believe there is another part of your soul just waiting to be adopted and I’m sure that will happen when it’s supposed to. I’m so sorry that you’ve had so much heartbreak in your life. You are loved by so many even if we don’t see each other or speak as often as we should. You are loved and supported. You’re never alone. I hope you find the peace you deserve. And when you’re ready, the mermaids are 45 minutes from me.

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  2. Muffy:

    I just read your recent post and my heart is just breaking. Maria and Amanda and I are all grieving the loss of Mizzou and feeling your pain. I am praying that you stay strong and heal, although I know it’s a tough time for you right now.

    Please consider coming out and visiting us in Arizona? We’ll buy you a plane ticket with our frequent flyer points! We have a nice guest room in Tucson that never gets used. We can cook together and shop and do some sightseeing. I’ll teach you the art of cake decorating and we can hit the gym and the pool daily!

    If you don’t like the desert, we have a cabin in the mountains north of here that you can use. If you feel like doing therapy-type work, you can help me finish putting a rock facade on the stem wall of the cabin and maybe help me build a 4’ x 4′ deck off the south side doorway. Spend some time there on your own if you wish. It’s a beautiful place and the locals always need young people to help with Christmas events, the animal shelters, church functions, etc.

    We would love to see you and have you stay – either soon (this week!) or after the New Year if you are heading west, or any time you want to come out.

    Much love, Mary



  3. Muffy, my heart is breaking for you. I have no words. If there is anything we can do PLEASE do no hesitate!!! Serious!!!


  4. I awesome Friend do whatever you need to mend. I am so heart broken for you. I am praying for you and am cheering you on smiles and tears. LIVE!!! LIVE and wounds will heals and hurts become bareable. Don’t forget you are loved!!! I will miss you horribly and wait with impatience for your return. If you need please message me and I will come, provide, or find the resource. Love Kenya


  5. MA, I have been thinking about you all weekend, as I am sure many of us who love you have been. If you are travelling around, please know that there is always a warm bed and warm
    heart to welcome you in Nashville. I am so sorry for your loss. You are a good person and you have suffered more heartache than you deserve, without a doubt. Better days are on the horizon. Debbie


    • I would like to be a polite southerner and tell you I appreciate your concern, instead I just wonder if I actually know you or of your just some random. If it’s the first, why don’t you not hide on the Internet and let me know who you are because I would like to promptly not know you anymore.


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